I heard the news of her passing;

i was not sad nor was i relieved

to be able to feel something,

one has to be in a moment,

i was in between two.

I cannot describe the feeling,

wish i could play it again to feel

what i felt in that timeless moment.

I do not have words for that.

Like someone has poured 

a bucket of ice on my pounding heart.

I still had the phone in my hand,

i was thinking what was i feeling

and i felt something i never felt before

it was this time-stuck, emotion-less, quiet, nothing

IT WAS NOTHING

with the thought of calling someone

i moved my fingers

but i could not press a number

my hands were shaking

a dilemma had housed in me

a nothing so powerful that

it could stop me.

I sat there for an hour

before i slowly crept into the bed

only to woke up minutes later

to convince myself that it was a dream.

The games we play on ourselves.